The Secrets of The Publishing World

I've met many authors in the last year and heard many stories. Many of us have complaints. No matter what accolades come along, we want some other kind.

All I can do is laugh because from what I've seen greater success doesn't bring greater satisfaction--not for very long. Indulge me while I do some author mind-reading...

Author Rich and Famous

Q: Your work has been translated into 87 languages and you've had four movies made from your books. You're about to publish your fifth and everyone says it's your best so far. How do you feel?

A: It's been quite a ride...

But the damn New Yorker hasn't published one of my stories. What's wrong with David Remnick? Does he have his head up his wazoo or what? And just because Oprah likes my books doesn't mean they are trash. 

Author Amazing

Q: Your amazing short story was just published in the New Yorker. Every writer I know admires your work. How does it feel?

A: I am devoted to the fire of language and...

Yeah, but I can't sell books and have yet to make a living on my work. No one reads short story collections. I need to change agents.

Author Big Deal

Q: Your memoir was a world-wide bestseller and a movie. Now you are on tour with your first novel. What was it like to write fiction for the first time?

A: Fiction and non-fiction are the same. Both require courage, the courage to tell the truth from a dark place...

If I have to have one more TV interview where the interviewer hasn't read my book, I'm going to puke. Everybody thinks its glamorous to do a 100 city book tour. It sucks. And three girls I slept with just posted cameraphone pictures of my hairy back on their MySpace pages. All I want is to go fly fishing in Montana.

Author Sincere 

Q: You've been read by a primarily bohemian audience for thirty years. You wrote a book about summer lawn care and have become a bestselling author. What does this tell you?

A: It says a lot about the capitalistic power structures....

I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I feel like singing! I'm in People Magazine! I'm getting offers to be on cable. I deserve to make some money. Why didn't I do it sooner?

Author Obscure Poet

Q: Your book has gotten three award nominations and been on many top ten lists. Why do you think it struck a chord?

A: I hope that it spoke to the needs of...

Struck a chord? It was only reviewed in the gay press. I have never felt so ghetto-ized in my life. I wrote a book. Who had to say it was a "lesbian" book? I thought I was a writer not a sexual preference.

Author Mainstream

Q: Your first book was a big success with great press. What's up with your second book?

A: It will be coming out soon...

I know it's going to bomb, too. They gave me 150K for a two book deal, and then the marketing department never got behind me. The advertising was lame and nobody came to my readings. They made the cover a silly pink and doomed the book to chick-lit land. Maybe if I had gone to prison or something, the reviewers would take me seriously. 

Author Special Press

Q: Your first book is a gem, and soon it will be a movie. Many people think you have found a ground-breaking voice that speaks to the African American experience in a profound way. How did you manage to do this so eloquently?

A: I searched through the...

Tons of people hated my book because they thought my language wasn't authentic. I'm never going to be taught in colleges like Alice Walker and Sandra Cisneros. I can't even get junior colleges to be interested in my work.

Author Big Prize

Q: How has your life changed since you won the National Book Award?

Not much.

I'm not famous. I'll never be famous. I can't afford to fly first class, and no one on airplanes recognizes me. It doesn't matter what awards I get. Only Stephen King is famous.

Author Bigger Prize

Q: How did it feel to win the Pulitzer?

A: Great!

It's the beginning of my has-been years.

Author Biggest Prize

Q: It's been three months since you won the Nobel Prize. Tell us about it.

A: I am so grateful to be recognized...

Who wants to read an experimental writer from a country they have never heard of? Nobody apparently. My Amazon sales have hardly spiked. Nothing ever changes. I wish I had become a baker. At least I'd have nice cakes around me during the day. And frosting! Think of all the wonderful frosting I could stir. Now that's a good life.